Rachel Davis

About

A moment I see often: someone describes a reaction they had, then adds, almost as an afterthought, that they knew at the time it was out of proportion and could not stop it anyway. They usually say this apologetically. It is actually the most useful sentence in the hour. That gap between knowing and stopping is where attachment work happens. The reaction is fast, automatic, and older than the situation, so it cannot be argued with in real time. What can change is what comes immediately afterwards, and over time that alters the reaction itself. A decade in hospital and intensive outpatient settings taught me to pay attention to what people do rather than to what they conclude. The doing is where the information is. If you know and still cannot stop, that is exactly the right thing to bring. That is where the leverage sits, and it is a lot more reachable than the instinct itself.