Imani Toussaint

About

There is a persistent idea that a death you saw coming is easier than a sudden one. People who nursed someone for two years arrive almost apologetic, having been told they had time to prepare and should therefore be further along than they are. Preparation is not the same as readiness. Losing someone slowly involves its own particular difficulties, including a long period of anticipatory dread and often a complicated relief afterwards that nobody feels able to mention. We make room for the relief too. It is extremely common and it is not a failure of love. Group settings came before my own practice, and the relief was the thing people confessed last and recognized in each other fastest. If you were told you had time to prepare, that was not much help. Anticipation is its own long difficulty and it rarely gets counted. Almost nobody counts it.